Reactive Parenting: Why Am I So Reactive?
Reactive Parenting: Why Am I So Reactive?
Written by: Nicole Barrett, LCSW
You had a vision of the parent you would be. Calm, patient, loving, and steady, no matter what. You imagined handling challenges with grace, guiding your child with wisdom, and ending each day feeling connected and proud. But real life looks different. By the end of the day, you may have raised your voice, snapped, withdrawn, overexplained, or watched your child’s expression shift after something you said. Later, when the house is quiet or the day is finally over, guilt and disappointment creep in. You wonder why you are so reactive and why parenting feels so much harder than you thought it would be.
And this can happen whether you are parenting a toddler who cannot yet regulate emotions, a school-age child who pushes your buttons, a teenager pulling away, a young adult making big life decisions, or even an adult child whose struggles still keep you up at night. Parenting was supposed to feel natural. Instead, it feels like a constant test you never studied for. If this sounds familiar, take a slow breath. You are not alone.
As a therapist who offers parenting therapy, I work with parents who feel stuck in cycles of reactivity, burnout, and self-judgment.
These are parents who love their children deeply yet feel confused by how quickly patience disappears under pressure. If you have ever thought I do not want to parent this way, but I do not know how to change it, you are in the right place. Below, we will explore why parenting often feels more overwhelming than expected and tips to shift how you respond.
Why You’re So Reactive as a Parent
1. You Did Not Have a Roadmap
Many parents imagine they will naturally know how to stay calm and grounded. But if you did not grow up with adults who handled emotions in a steady and regulated way, you were never given a roadmap for how to do that yourself. So when stress hits, and your child falls apart, shuts down, pushes back, or makes choices you don’t understand, your nervous system defaults to what it learned long ago. Maybe that was yelling. Maybe shutting down. Maybe giving in to keep the peace. Even if you promised yourself you would parent differently, your body often reacts faster than your intentions. This is not a personal failure. It is learned behavior. And learned patterns can change at any stage of parenting.
Tip: When you notice yourself becoming reactive, pause and take a deep breath. Ask yourself, How do I want to show up right now? As you consider your answer, step into another room if needed, give yourself a moment to reset, and return to respond to your child in the way you would prefer.
2. You Are Exhausted and Putting Yourself Last
Parenting often feels like running a marathon with no water breaks. You are managing meals, schedules, homework, appointments, emotions, responsibilities, and expectations while trying to keep everyone afloat. Without realizing it, you place yourself last on the list every single day. By the time you notice burnout, your patience is gone. Small things feel huge. A simple request, a spilled drink, a text from your teen, or a worry about your adult child becomes the last straw. Afterwards, you judge yourself and wonder why you reacted that way. You are not lacking love or effort. You are running on empty. No one can pour from an empty cup.
Tip: Take an honest look at your day as it truly is, not how you wish it looked. Choose one small and realistic moment of self-care to protect. It might be two minutes of breathing in your car, a short walk, stretching before bed, or a quiet cup of tea before anyone else wakes up. When you intentionally place yourself back on your schedule, you create more capacity to respond instead of react.
3. You Override Your Own Limits
When you are constantly tuned in to your child’s needs, it is easy to lose touch with your own. You stop noticing when you are clenching your jaw, holding your breath, rushing through meals, or running on adrenaline. Your attention stays outward as you manage your child’s emotions, anticipate reactions, and try to hold everything together. This can happen whether you are chasing a toddler, negotiating curfews with a teen, or lying awake worried about an adult child. Over time, your body’s signals grow louder. Stress builds. Then one small moment pushes you past your threshold. Afterwards, your mind replays what happened, questions your choices, and wonders if you handled things right. This is not a weakness. It is your nervous system asking for care.
Tip: Slow down and check in with your body throughout the day. Notice tension, restlessness, fatigue, or overwhelm. Even one slow breath, dropping your shoulders, or placing your feet firmly on the ground can help reset your internal thermostat. When you reconnect with your body, you gain space to choose how you would like to respond.
4. You Struggle to Ask for Help
Many parents feel they should be able to handle everything themselves. Asking for help feels uncomfortable. You do not want to burden others. Maybe you have always been the strong one. Maybe you worry that needing support means you are failing. So you take on more. You carry the emotional load. You manage the household. You try to fix every problem. Quietly, you feel isolated and exhausted. Parenting was never meant to be a solo journey, yet so many parents find themselves doing it alone. You do not have to carry everything by yourself to be a good parent.
Tip: Think about your circle of support. Who could help lighten the emotional, physical, or mental load? A partner, family member, friend, community, or even allowing your child more responsibility where appropriate. Start small. Practice asking for help in one area. You may be surprised how much lighter parenting feels when you stop carrying it all alone.
5. You Have Inconsistent Boundaries
One day, you insist that your child follow the rules. The next day, you’re too tired to follow through. Sometimes guilt softens your limits. Other times, frustration takes over and you snap. You repeat the same reminders, hear “okay,” “later,” or “I forgot,” and nothing changes. You feel unheard. Your child feels misunderstood. The same patterns repeat whether your child is four, fourteen, or forty. Over time, this cycle wears on both of you and you begin to dread certain moments of the day or certain conversations. If this sounds familiar, it does not mean you are failing; it means the current strategy is no longer serving either of you. Learning when and how to set, hold, and communicate healthy limits can help you reclaim a sense of calm and mutual respect; for guidance on how to take back your power and your sanity by strengthening your boundaries, see this blog post on Parenting Boundaries: Taking Back Your Power & Your Sanity.
Tip: Try shifting into empathic curiosity. Pause before reacting and gently step into your child’s inner world. Ask questions such as I imagine you are feeling frustrated right now, am I getting that right? Or I have noticed you seem more distant lately, what has been on your mind? At first, your child may seem surprised by this new approach. That is okay. Stay patient and consistent. Over time, power struggles soften, connection grows, and real cooperation becomes possible.
A Gentle Reminder
Parenting is one of the hardest roles you will ever step into. The fact that you are reflecting, questioning, and wanting to grow already says something powerful about the kind of parent you are. Your reactions are not proof of failure. They are signals pointing toward where you need support, rest, compassion, and new tools. And the parent you envisioned is not gone. They are already in you, unfolding one intentional moment at a time.
Ready to Explore Parenting Therapy?
If your relationship feels stuck in unhealthy patterns, attachment-focused therapy can help you understand emotional triggers, improve communication, and build a deeper connection. With the support of a Mindful Living Counseling therapist, you can work toward greater emotional safety, trust, and lasting change.
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Parenting Therapy Resources
Parenting Boundaries: Taking Back Your Power and Your Sanity
Orlando Therapist Shares 11 Parenting Tips for Raising Awesome Humans
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando
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Healing from trauma often brings forward challenges such as anxiety, self-doubt, and difficulties in decision-making, which can also affect relationships. By utilizing trauma-informed therapy, EMDR, and attachment-focused therapy, I guide clients in recognizing their emotional patterns, enhancing their sense of safety, and cultivating healthier connections with themselves and others.
As the owner of Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, I focus on supporting individuals in their journey to heal from anxiety and trauma while nurturing deeper, secure relationships. I am a certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and EMDR Therapist, as well as an EMDRIA Approved Consultant. My aim is to help clients feel grounded in their bodies, clear in their minds, and empowered to foster meaningful and fulfilling relationships.