A toxic relationship often feels out of balance. You may feel confused and like you've lost yourself in the relationship. You work hard to understand what your partner needs, wants, and desires, and you take responsibility when things go wrong, but that care isn't returned. No matter how you try to communicate, your partner doesn't seem to understand your perspective. You may feel guilty when you ask for what you want, or find it hard to speak up about what matters to you. Over time, there's little room left for you, and you end up feeling run over.

You may also feel it in your body. In a healthy relationship, a problem goes on the table, in the shared space between two people, so you can solve it together. In a toxic relationship, it never makes it to the table. Instead, it lives inside of you, and you carry it as tension and stress. Your sense of self can start to feel blurry too, shifting depending on the other person, until you're not sure who you are anymore.

The other person may dismiss or discount your experience. When you bring up something that bothers you, they get defensive or even angry. You might hear things like "You're overreacting," "It's not that big of a deal," or "That's not what I meant." They deflect and explain away why you shouldn't feel the way you do. Over time, you start to doubt your own feelings, your priorities, and yourself.

When a toxic relationship ends, it's common to feel lost, confused, and uncertain about yourself. After so long focusing on the other person, you may not even know what you like anymore. You might also feel a strong pull to go back. That's normal. For a long time, you've been in a dynamic with no room for you, so choosing yourself can feel uncomfortable at first, and it often brings up self-doubt and guilt.

Healing takes support and time. As you start to focus on yourself again, you slowly thaw out and get to know who you are. If you've had to neglect yourself for so long, reaching out for therapy is your first step in choosing yourself.

Many people who find themselves in toxic relationships over and over have early attachment wounds. If you weren't made a priority as a child, you learned early on to set aside your own needs, wants, and desires to stay connected. That pattern feels familiar, so it's easy to keep finding yourself in relationships where there's no room for you.

The good news is that patterns can change. Once you understand where yours came from, you have permission to start choosing yourself, and to choose differently in your relationships.