How to Deal With an Emotionally Immature Partner
How to Deal With an Emotionally Immature Partner
Written by: Lauran Daughtery Hahn, LMHC
You’re tired of walking on eggshells, trying to keep your partner calm and regulated. You have overextended yourself in an effort to keep the peace and prevent your partner from losing their cool. By this point, you’re realizing that you’re in a relationship with an emotionally immature partner, and now you’re wondering: what do I do about it?
As an attachment therapist who helps people navigate the complexity of relationships, I help my clients move into a place of empowerment and choice when it comes to dealing with an emotionally immature partner.
Being in a relationship with an emotionally immature person can be taxing and daunting. Their ongoing outbursts and emotional withdrawal can lead to feelings of guilt and self-doubt. However, once you realize what is going on, and that your partner is operating from a place of emotional immaturity, you can begin to take your power back and understand that their reactions are about them and not about you.
When it comes to being in a relationship with an emotionally immature person, you essentially have two choices. You can leave the relationship because it’s not working for you. This is a valid choice, and many people may choose to take this route.
Or you may choose to stay in the relationship, and that’s who this article is written for, the folks who are choosing to stay, whether that is temporary or long-term.
What this article does not do is give you instructions on how to change your partner. Attempts to change another person are usually met with resistance and contempt. This article is about how to take care of you while you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person.
1. Stop expecting them to be a soft place to land.
Emotionally immature people do not understand or have the capacity to show up with presence and patience for deeper and complex emotional struggles. Leaning into someone who is emotionally immature when you’re struggling will often feel like leaning into a porcupine.
When you continue to reach for emotional support from someone who does not have the capacity to give it, you are likely to feel hurt, dismissed, or misunderstood. This is not because your needs are wrong. It is because you are leaning into someone who cannot hold space for your emotions.
2. Understand their limited capacity has nothing to do with your value.
Your partner’s emotional immaturity is likely due to the fact that they were never taught how to appropriately manage their own emotions. Their parents likely did to them what they are doing to you. They have a limited capacity because they did not have a template when they were children. Their lack of capacity prevents them from honoring your emotions. It is not that your emotions are inappropriate.
It is very easy to minimize your own emotions when your partner dismisses them. Do not minimize your own emotions just because they do. That is a form of self-gaslighting, and it is harmful to your sense of self.
3. Make sure you have emotionally available people in your inner circle.
If you can’t go to your partner, then you need to have emotionally safe people at arm’s length.
While your partner may not be the person you can go to, it is imperative to your emotional and mental health that you have someone that can hold space for you, whether that is a best friend, a therapist, or a family member. You need someone that can reflect back how you are feeling, validate, and normalize your emotions.
4. Protect your energy when your emotionally immature partner is dysregulated.
It is important to understand the difference between emotional dysregulation and abuse. Abuse and violence are never okay. This includes physical violence, threats, intimidation, coercive control, or behaviors meant to scare, dominate, or harm you. Emotional dysregulation can be distressing and overwhelming, but it is not the same as abuse, and abuse should never be tolerated or explained away.
Emotional dysregulation can look like getting upset over very small things, like traffic delays or lost keys. They may have a mini fit when something doesn’t go their way. This dysregulation can feel like a child’s tantrum, except it is more intense because it is coming from an adult.
Their emotional regulation is their responsibility. Even if they don’t do it well, do not take it on.
Create an emotional boundary. When you’re first learning how to do that, taking space is the easiest way. Go into another room, walk outside, or take a break. Remove yourself from their emotional energy.
If that’s not possible, imagine a large hula hoop around you. Inside the hoop is you and all the things you have control over. Your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Outside the hoop are all the things you can’t control, including your partner and their feelings.
5. Set Boundaries.
When you’re in a relationship with an emotionally immature person, they can be very demanding and often have high expectations for what you are supposed to do in the relationship. If this goes unchecked, you can run yourself ragged trying to satisfy them, allowing the relationship to run you over or bleed you dry.
Establishing healthy boundaries becomes essential so that this does not happen. Healthy boundaries may look like saying no, such as not dropping what you’re doing to bring them something they forgot at home. It may also look like choosing how you want to spend your downtime rather than automatically acquiescing to their wishes.
Setting boundaries is not always easy, so make sure you have support from the folks in your inner circle.
6. Unhook from their blame.
Because emotionally immature people tend to avoid taking responsibility for themselves, they often play the blame game, and that can be very taxing in relationships.
When you feel the blame coming at you, you can choose to unhook from the blame rather than taking on their accusations. If they are mad, that is their responsibility. If they are overwhelmed it is up to them to ask for help. Criticizing you for not knowing what they need or want is not the same as asking for help. Full grown adults are responsible for their own emotions. Contorting yourself to make them happy just perpetuates the problem. If you want more on understanding these patterns, check out the Trauma Triangle to learn more about the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor. You do not have to accept blame in order to calm them down.
7. Beef up your own self-care.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature can be draining and exhausting. It may require a lot of intention, presence, and energy in order to maintain your own equilibrium.
If you choose to stay in the relationship with your emotionally immature partner, it will be important to engage in activities that restore your own nervous system regulation. If taking care of yourself gives you anxiety, you will need to practice being assertive. Self-care is not optional in this dynamic. It is necessary.
8. See an Attachment Therapist.
If you have tried all of the above recommendations and are still struggling with an emotionally immature partner, it may be time to see a specialist who works with these relationship dynamics, specifically an attachment therapist. An attachment therapist can help you unravel and unhook from relationships that are draining your energy.
If you have a long history of being in relationships with people who tend to drain you, this may be a good time to begin evaluating how you can show up for yourself in ways that protect you from engaging with people who are not good for you.
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Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando
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Healing from trauma often brings forward challenges such as anxiety, self-doubt, and difficulties in decision-making, which can also affect relationships. By utilizing trauma-informed therapy, EMDR, and attachment-focused therapy, I guide clients in recognizing their emotional patterns, enhancing their sense of safety, and cultivating healthier connections with themselves and others.
As the proud owner of Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, I focus on supporting individuals in their journey to heal from anxiety and trauma while nurturing deeper, secure relationships. I am a certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and EMDR Therapist, as well as an EMDRIA Approved Consultant. My aim is to help clients feel grounded in their bodies, clear in their minds, and empowered to foster meaningful and fulfilling relationships.