Therapy Orlando: How to Validate Your Partner for Better Communication
Anxiety Therapist: How to Validate Your Partner for Better Communication
Written By: Mindful Living Staff
Are you and your partner struggling to communicate? Are you finding that your partner seems to get frustrated or shuts down during a disagreement? Maybe your partner has even expressed that they don’t feel seen or heard by you. Or, are you finding yourself feeling uncomfortable when your partner is expressing emotions or sharing an emotional topic with you?
As an anxiety therapist, I see many clients who struggle to communicate with loved ones.
Whatever the case, learning and implementing this simple, yet wildly effective communication skill, can help you cut out the drama and discomfort and promote open, safe, and supportive conversations with your loved one.
Based on Marsha Linehan’s work, there are 6 levels of Validation:
Being Present
Accurate Reflection
Reading the Person’s Behavior and Guessing What They Might be Feeling or Thinking
Understanding the Person’s Behavior Based on Their History and Biology
Normalizing or Recognizing Emotional Reactions That Anyone Would Have
Radical Genuineness
Before we dive into each of the Six Levels of Validation, I want to provide some clarifications to ensure this is a positive experience for you and your partner:
Firstly, validation does not mean that you are condoning how your partner acted due to their emotions or thoughts. Validation is a way to communicate that you understand how they felt and why they did what they did.
Secondly, your feelings and thoughts are still just as important as your partners.
And Thirdly, this way of communicating can be a learning curve. So go into giving yourself grace and knowing that it can be a process. You can even practice mastering one or two at a time before moving on to the next level.
Alright, let’s dive in and see what each level looks like!
Being Present
This can look like sitting next to them and letting them know you are there, making eye contact and truly listening to what they are saying, embracing them when they are crying without the expectation that there needs to be a solution at that moment, or turning off any distractions like computers and the TV and giving them all of your attention. When you are able to be present while your partner is expressing their thoughts and emotions, you are showing that you care and that they are important.
2. Accurate Reflection
This is when you summarize or paraphrase back to your partner what you are hearing them say. This level of validation allows us to clarify what our partners are expressing and shows them that you are truly listening and that you want to better understand what they are experiencing.
Here are a few examples, “It sounds like that was a really frustrating experience for you.” “I can see that what I said was really upsetting to hear.” “I understand that when I forget to take out the trash it seems like I am not listening.” It is important to remember that when you are reflecting on their experiences that you are doing it from a curious and kind place. If you don’t think it will be expressed at the moment, take a break to collect your thoughts and emotions and try again later.
3. Reading the Person’s Behavior and Guessing What They Might be Feeling or Thinking
Not everyone is comfortable expressing their emotions or capable of being able to identify their emotions at the moment. It can be helpful for a partner to provide support with this and again, demonstrates that you value understanding them and how they are feeling. To accomplish this, while being present with what they are expressing, tune into what you imagine they are feeling and acknowledge it. For example, “I wonder if you felt angry when your mom said that?” “I imagine that felt overwhelming taking care of the kids while I worked late.” And if you guess wrong, it’s another opportunity for them to provide clarification.
4. Understanding the Person’s Behavior Based on Their History and Biology
Everyone comes with a history. Understanding this and what your partner has been through can better help you understand and validate why they are thinking and feeling what they are in certain moments. For example, if your partner was in a car accident and acts stressed and irritable during car rides, you might say something like “I know being in a car is stressful ever since you were in an accident, I wonder if there are ways we can help lessen that stress at the moment?” Or if your partner has experienced the death of a loved one and tends to become sad around the holidays, you might express an understanding of this by saying “I can see how sad the holidays are without your loved one being here, I wonder if there is a way we can incorporate their memory in a positive way?”
5. Normalizing or Recognizing Emotional Reactions That Anyone Would Have
Being human means having emotions and each emotion has a purpose. When your partner is experiencing an emotion, it can be very validating to remind them that it is normal and, more often than not, pretty common for the average person. For example, if your partner is planning to talk to their boss about a pay increase, say something like, “It’s normal to be anxious before discussing this with your employer, it isn’t always an easy discussion to have.” Or if your partner is feeling guilty about setting a boundary with a friend you could say “Setting boundaries can be really uncomfortable, it makes sense it wasn’t easy.”
6. Radical Genuineness
This is when you understand their emotion and experience as if you were in their shoes. Maybe you have experienced something similar and are able to truly acknowledge what it must feel like. This allows you to be present with them in their experience as an equal.
Validation allows you to connect with your partner to promote a healthy, safe, and accepting relationship. It opens the door for you both to feel comfortable being your authentic selves. The more you practice implementing the different levels, the easier and more natural they will feel.
Ready to Start Anxiety Therapy?
The therapists at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando are here to help you live your best life. The highly trained Orlando therapists will give you the tools needed to better your communication with the ones you love. To get started on anxiety therapy one of our anxiety therapists in Orlando:
Fill out our New Client Consultation form located on our Contact Page.
Once you complete the form, you’ll be invited to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with one of our anxiety therapists.
Get ready to start your healing journey!
Not Quite Ready for Anxiety Therapy?
Our highly trained team will help you gain tools that will help you overcome any anxiety may be feeling to help you navigate communicating with your loved ones. If you’re not ready, we understand. Take all the time you need and reach out when it feels right.
Additional Resources
Orlando Therapist: How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive People
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, FL
The therapists at Mindful Living understand that anxiety may not be the only feeling you’re struggling with. This is why we offer a variety of therapy services. Other therapy services we offer are Trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, Toxic Relationship Therapy, and Teen Therapy. We also offer free Guided Meditations. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!