How to Deal with Difficult Family Through the Holidays
Anxiety Therapist Shares: 10 Tips for Dealing With Difficult Family during the Holidays
Do you feel excited about the upcoming holidays? Are you ready to enjoy some much-needed time off, indulge in your favorite foods, and embrace your favorite holiday traditions?
Do you also experience a bit of anxiety and dread when you think about spending time with a difficult family member? You want to look forward to the big family meal together, but a part of you is bracing when you think of the unwelcome advice and commentary that will come your way.
As a therapist that offers therapy for toxic relationships, I help many clients learn how to deal with difficult family members during family events such as holiday gatherings.
While you always have the option of not going to these family events, I want to offer you some tools to navigate difficult family members so that you can continue to enjoy your family holiday traditions.
As an anxiety therapist in Orlando, I help people navigate uncomfortable and challenging situations.
As you think about those certain difficult family members, do you start to have a sense of apprehension and anxiety? Do you feel tension when you think about memories or exchanges you’ve had with them in the past? Do you feel overwhelmed thinking about being in the room with people who have poor boundaries, and who offer unsolicited advice? And how you always end up feeling criticized and provoked?
Use the 10 tips outlined below to help ground you before joining in the holiday festivities. Also, I recommend this guided meditation from Mindful - Take 10 Minutes to Defuse Holiday Stress with This Mindfulness Practice
1. Know their behavior is not a reflection of you.
When we have difficult family members, we can take their criticisms personally. The words they share can make us feel like we are not good enough or unworthy. When you’re in this situation remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of them and not you. Don’t take on or accept their negativity or criticism as truths about you. Some people are more negatively focused and tend to hone in on all that is wrong in the world. Their truth does not have to be your truth.
2. Don’t seek their approval.
If you have a long history of seeking (and not getting) your family’s approval, you’ll likely fall into that dynamic again. Prepare yourself before you see them by reminding yourself that you are an adult now and you do not need their approval any longer. If you’re having a conversation with them and you can feel that familiar longing for some sort of affirmation from them, inconspicuously and gently put your hand on your tummy or chest and remind yourself that you’re an adult now.
3. Don’t expect them to be different.
If your grandmother is known for offering unsolicited advice whether parenting, career, or relationship, prepare yourself for them to continue this behavior when you see them again. Expecting or even hoping that they will stop the unwelcome behavior is setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. Expect the behavior to continue, but just be prepared. The only person that you have control over is yourself. Remember, you have many options in how you choose to deal with a difficult family member. Knowing your options ahead of time will help you feel empowered.
4. Have a Plan.
Before you arrive, think about having a plan for how you want to respond when your family member is being unkind, criticizing, or violating your boundaries. Part of this plan can be deciding what your response will be when a boundary is violated — It can look like choosing to walk away, telling them to stop, or sharing what happened with your safe person. Having this plan prepared will help you walk into the holiday season more confidently.
5. Honor Your Boundaries.
Oftentimes when it comes to boundaries, people think that it is up to the other person to honor the boundary. During the holiday season, we may think that our family members need to honor those boundaries, but ultimately, the responsibility of honoring your boundaries lies on you. If your family member is continuing to be offensive, what would you like to do? How you are going to honor your boundary?
An example of this may look like having a family member that wants to talk about politics and you have chosen that this holiday season you want to avoid that hot topic. If the difficult family member persits, you can remind them you’re not engaging, you can make a joke, you can change the topic, or you can walk away. Preplan your options so that you don’t feel stuck in the moment.
6. Avoid Intoxication.
While having an extra glass of wine or two may be tempting in order to help you get through these sticky situations with family members. Drinking too much alcohol can lead to arguments or saying things that you might not mean. Intoxication can lead to being reactive and not having control of your responses, which can compound problems with difficult family members.
7. Pick Your Safe Person.
Before diving into all the holiday celebrations pick someone to be your safe person. This can be your partner, your favorite cousin, or a close friend. Once you have picked someone share with them how you plan to navigate the holidays this year. Your safe person will be an anchor should you feel overwhelmed by a difficult family member.
8. Change the Subject.
Before your family gathering, consider the topics of conversation that usually stir up tension. It is ok to avoid these hot topics when with difficult family members. Some common controversial topics include politics, parenting advice, work advice, and relationship advice. If these topics arise, don’t be afraid to change the subject. Mention light topics of conversation such as a recent outing you attended or even better, ask your family about something they are interested in. If your family persists in discussing the heated topic, try levity and jokingly say, “Ha ha, I am not touching that topic with a ten-foot pole.” If they continue, firmly say, “I am not having that conversation right now.”
9. Have an Exit Plan.
All the tools in your toolbox still cannot control or manage how someone else behaves. If a difficult family member continues to violate your boundaries, get inebriated, or is harsh or critical, plan to leave. It is helpful to discuss this plan with your safe person in advance. Often, when around a difficult family member, we can doubt ourselves. Having the reassurance of a safe person can build confidence in knowing when to execute the exit plan.
10. Choose Compassion.
Choosing compassion starts with having empathy for yourself as you're learning to navigate your past and those unhealthy relationships you once entertained. You’re learning a new normal and understanding how to navigate difficult family members in a healthy way. Give yourself some compassion during this process as this journey may be uncomfortable.
Then the second part of choosing compassion is, if it's available internally, see if you can perhaps have compassion for the difficult family member. Hurt people hurt people. It’s pretty safe to assume that your difficult family member was once the victim of someone else’s negativity. I am by no means suggesting that you should endure toxicity from your family, however, it can help soften the sting of their negativity when you can see it in the context of their history.
Ready to Start Anxiety Therapy in Orlando, FL?
Ready to start on your journey to navigating boundaries, family dynamics, and anxiety? Our therapists at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando are here to help you to feel more at peace in your everyday life. To get started with one of our anxiety counselors reach out to our Client Care Coordinator and schedule a free 15-minute, so we can get you started with anxiety therapy right away.
Not Quite Ready for Anxiety Therapy?
Our highly trained team will help you gain tools that will help you overcome any anxiety may be feeling to help you navigate the holidays. If you’re not ready, we understand. Take all the time you need and reach out when it feels right.
Additional Anxiety Resources
Anxiety Therapist Shares: 10 Gift Ideas for People With Anxiety
Guide to Choosing Your Word of the Year
21 Ways to Reduce Anxiety During the Holidays
21 De-Stressing Strategies that will Transform your Holiday
An Anxiety Therapist Shares Everything You Need to Know About Anxiety
Guided Meditation for Anxiety: Five-Sense Grounding
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, FL
Our therapists at Mindful Living understand that anxiety may not be the only feeling you’re struggling with. This is why we offer a variety of therapy services. Our therapy services include Trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, Eating Disorder Therapy, Toxic Relationship Therapy, and Teen Therapy. We also offer Guided Meditations. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!
About the Owner of Mindful Living Counseling
As an Orlando Therapist, Lauran Hahn, LMHC, specializes in working with clients that are struggling with anxiety and clients who experience stress when being around family. She also specializes in boundaries and supporting her clients in healing from toxic relationships. Lauran works hard to help her clients feel calm in their bodies, at peace in their minds, and connected in relationships.