How Judgement Erodes our Planet (and Curiosity Heals)
Orlando Therapist Offering Tips for Healing
Are you aggravated, irritable, intolerant much of the time? Do you feel impatient with yourself and others? Do you struggle with this nagging feeling that things should be different, better, or you should be farther along in your life?
If any of the above resonates with you, you’re in the right place because it sounds like you’re struggling with a condition that all my new clients suffer from and that is called….. judgment, eroding, corroding, condemning, alienating: judgement.
If there is one thing that will put you in your own personal hell and destroy your mental health, it’s judgement. What does judgement do? It categorizes things into two categories: one that is desirable and one that is undesirable, much like good/bad, right/wrong, pretty/ugly, worthy/worthless, smart/stupid. I’m sure you get the picture.
After years of being in the mental health field, specifically as an anxiety therapist and trauma counselor in Orlando, I have seen an alarming pattern. This one seemingly simple little character trait will hold people back not only in their therapy, but also in their lives in catastrophic ways.
Judgement Intends to Keep you Safe
Judgment is a survival mechanism intended to keep you safe and out of danger’s way. If something is bad or dangerous, and we judge it appropriately, then we can move away from it so that we can stay safe. For example, if you see a person waving a gun outside of 711, then your brain can quickly assess “this situation is bad and this person is dangerous” and then your brain can deploy the appropriate survival response fight, flight, freeze, feign death, or cry for help.
A knee jerk judgment is needed in the example above so that you stay alive.
Another sad but true example of judgment keeping us safe is in our relationships. As humans, we are wired to be part of a tribe, and if our tribe leaders (our parents) were harsh and judgmental, we too, will have created a strategy for being harsh and judgmental, so that we can be accepted and safely be part of our tribe.
In short, this plays out in two distinct ways. The first is creating judgment or bias against others. If you were raised in a family where other groups of people were deemed bad and your group deemed good, you will have felt a sense of safety in being in the “good group” and among the good and safe people. As long as you shared in the tribe’s belief, you stayed safe. The sad truth here is that you needed to believe what the tribe leaders taught you so that you could safely remain part of the tribe, but it doesn’t mean that what you were taught was true.
Another sad truth is that if your tribe leaders were critical and judgmental of you, you needed to believe that too, so that you could stay safe in the tribe. If your tribe leaders taught you that you’re valuable only if you’re the best, you must be perfect, or when you cry, you’re overreacting, then guess what….. It was in your best interest at the time to believe that, too.
So while the intent behind judgment is to keep you safe and the act of judging self and others has likely been a safe haven at some point, untamed judgment wreaks havoc on the lives of individuals and communities.
How Judgement is Harmful
Let’s look at how judging self as good or bad is an underpinning in serious mental health concerns and how it drives global apathy and discord. First, let’s look at some of the underlying judgments that pervade individual mental health concerns.
Perfectionism - I must be perfect. I can’t make mistakes. Mistakes are bad. If I make mistakes I am bad or worthless. I am only good if I am perfect.
Narcissism - I must be the best. My value comes from my productivity, my appearance, and the way others see me. I can only associate with the best people and institutions. I am worthy only when I am being admired.
Depression - I am bad, hopeless, broken, and defective. I can’t handle life.
Social Anxiety - I am bad, broken, or defective. I can’t let people see the real me because I am so bad.
Addiction - I am bad, disgusting, and worthless. Others are better than me. I am broken and defective.
Suicide - I am bad, worthless, defective, and flawed. There is no hope for me because I am so bad.
As you can see, this self-referencing judgment is quick to make self “bad” or “good.” With this type of black and white thinking, there are only two places for the mind to land, either good or bad. There is no middle ground or grey. Essentially, this leads to, “If I am not perfect, the best, or good, then I am bad.” And this will lead to a very negative self-perception because it is impossible to be perfect, the best, or good all of the time or even most of the time. This way of thinking is extremely harmful to our mental health.
Now, let’s look at how being quick to judge others or groups of people as bad polarizes communities and the world. With this judgment, there is no room for others to make mistakes or to be different. The judging mind quickly categorizes mistakes or differences as bad, alienating people from people. All of this can manifest as:
Stigmas - Addiction is bad. Mental health issues are bad.
Prejudice - People that are (big, small, black, white, Hispanic…….) are bad.
Cancel Culture - They are bad because of the mistakes they made.
Hate Crimes - People that are different than me are bad.
When we come from a judgy place, there is little to no tolerance or acceptance for imperfection, mistakes, or differences. Judgment has a way of alienating us internally and from each other as people. It induces shame and fear and it certainly is not conducive to an empathetic world.
It’s Grey, not Black and White
Oftentimes, people who are judgy are searching for a reason or a rule to apply so that they can make sense of themselves and the world. Because we’ve been taught in black and white terms, we are still looking for black and white logic, when really what we need here is a shade of grey.
Rather than “I am good/bad” or “they are good/bad”, try looking through a different lens. “We are all good and we are all wounded.”
Rather than being so quick to judge and condemn, perhaps we could consider others’ “misbehaviors” as misguided attempts at getting their needs met.
I truly believe that every person born on this planet was born inherently good. If I didn’t believe that, I don’t think I could be an anxiety therapist or trauma counselor.
Oftentimes, the strategies and coping that kept us emotionally and physically safe in our childhood are the very things that hold us back in relationships today.
Curiosity as a Cure
We are all good and we are all wounded.
What if we took this belief with us wherever we go rather than a knee-jerk judgment. I wonder how that would feel internally? Perhaps, there would be space for differences, mistakes, and imperfection.
Taking it Home Within
With curiosity comes the spirit of compassion and with compassion, we create a space of healing. If we can bring the curious spirit home within, then we let go of perfection and make room for healing.
Being curious about your own wounding creates a safer environment to work on your healing. Having the spirit of curiosity as an individual gives us permission to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to be wrong, and to be wounded. When we have space to be wounded and to be imperfect, we create space for healing.
Taking it Into the World
When we can see other people as wounded and see their behaviors as reflections of their wounding, we can also give space to other people for their own healing. We don’t have to label them bad or make them out to be villians. We can view them as wounded. Viewing others as wounded allows us to see them as they are. These wounds drive behaviors. Curiosity gives us the space to separate how someone behaves from who they are.
It’s Discernment, not Judgment
Judgment is an opinion or a conclusion. With curiosity, you move away from judgment and into discernment. Discernment is the ability to make a decision of whether or not you want something in your life. Just because you are forgiving in your perspective of people, doesn’t mean you allow them into your life. Discernment paves the way for healthy boundaries.
You can also look at the difference of discernment and judgment from a nonviolent communication lens. Discernment is an observation of the wounded behavior while judgment is an evaluation of a person based on their behavior.
The distinction between judgment and discernment is quite palpable. Judgment alienates. Discernment empowers.
When you bring curiosity home within yourself and then bring curiosity out to the world, it creates a safer place for everyone. Villains disappear. Discernment replaces judgment. Space is opened for healing and our world becomes more empathetic. Our world becomes a better place.
Additional Resources for Bringing Curiosity Instead of Judgement
10 Steps to Turn Your Inner Critic into Your Friend
Rose Colored Glasses? Nope I Think Not
Orlando Therapists Available for Additional Support
Sometimes you need a little more than self-help blogs. We get that. If you’re looking for some additional support, we are here to help. We’re offering in-person and virtual appointments. Click here to find out more about counseling at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.
