How your Beliefs are Sabotaging your Picker


Orlando Counseling Providing Relationship Therapy

Many many years ago, in fact, it feels like another lifetime ago, my “partner picker” was programmed to Narcissist. It seemed like the only men I was attracted to were self-absorbed, self-interested, and self-serving. I continued to find myself in relationships where my role was to, in some way, serve someone else’s selfish interests. I would find myself scratching my head saying, “How the hell did this happen again?”  It wasn’t until years later, I realized my beliefs were sabotaging my picker.

As an anxiety and trauma therapist providing counseling in Orlando, I love helping my single clients overcome barriers to a deep connection and true intimacy because the pathway is so clear to me. If you are someone that continues to find yourself in dead-end, unfulfilling relationships when you’re longing to be in a committed, deeply intimate relationship, it’s time to do some digging and see what limiting beliefs have you stuck.

Before we dig, it’s first important to understand that beliefs are like an operating system that helps you perceive the world. I have written several articles on this, which you can check out here and here.

Another important point is that beliefs operate at an unconscious level, meaning you are not even aware you have the beliefs, let alone how they are impacting your picker. Next, you will need to bring these unconscious beliefs into conscious awareness, meaning you will need tools to learn how to become aware of your beliefs.  That is where I come in!

Not to toot my own horn, but this is my area of expertise and I get super excited about relationship counseling.  I love helping people bring the unconscious into conscious awareness! This is an absolute necessary step in healing.

One of the tools I use in session is to study my client’s internal and external process around the basic functions in life: yield, reach, push, pull, and grasp.

Let me walk you through an example using reach....

Let’s try a little experiment. First take three deep breaths (inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale…) Now, reach out as if you’re reaching for someone. Seriously, do this now before you continue to read this article.

Now let’s study this reach. Look at the position of your arms. Are they outstretched or are your elbows tucked in by your sides? Does your reach lean down toward the earth, out straight, or up toward the sky? How about your palms? Are they face up or face down?

When you reach out, what do you expect on the other side of that reach? Do you trust that someone will be there for you? Do you feel anxious or desperate for your reach to be met with an offering of some kind? Or does this reach feel too vulnerable, awkward, or even impossible? Study the implicit expectation that is embedded in your reach.

Your reach is one indicator of your ability to ask for and receive nourishment in a relationship. If the reach feels impossible, which it does for many, this could be problematic in creating the intimate relationship you desire.

People that struggle with reaching are often operating from one or more of the following limiting beliefs:

I cannot trust anyone

I cannot get what I want

I am too much

I am broken

I have to do it all by myself

I don’t deserve love

I am not loveable

I am insignificant

I am inadequate

Not only are the beliefs limiting, the messages being sent out into the world are also limiting, “I don’t need you. I don’t want you. I don’t trust you,” all of which create difficulty in settling into a long-term committed relationship with a healthy person.

Perhaps your belief template was created by trauma in your childhood or maybe it evolved from a few crappy relationships throughout your life. Either way, if you feel stuck now, don’t worry, you can work through this and heal the wounds that created the beliefs.

My recommendation is to find a good relationship counselor and start working on the original wounding where the limiting beliefs were born. 

If therapy isn’t in the cards for you at this time, I suggest taking an inventory of your limiting relational beliefs as well as all the experiences that helped create those beliefs, then recruit a trusted friend to share these moments with. Start to see how your past experiences are shaping your expectations of today. Start to create a new story in your life and begin looking for evidence to support that new story.

And journal, journal, journal. Bringing awareness and mindfulness to your expectations of others empowers you to make intentional decisions about your partner or potential partner, all of which is a heck of lot better than being a slave to past experiences.

Lauran is an anxiety and trauma therapist providing counseling in Orlando, FL. She also specializes in helping people heal old broken relationship patterns that keep them from finding, creating, and keeping healthy relationships with partners, friends, and family. Lauran uses a down to earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talking to help clients feel calm in their body and mind and find peace within themselves.