Baffled by Your Relationship Patterns? Allow Me to Shed Some Light

Baffled by Your Relationship Patterns? Allow Me to Shed Some Light

"Why, oh why, do I keep going back? I know this relationship is toxic and I keep going back!” These words or some other closely related sentiment bounce off the walls during relationship counseling at least once a month.

Or when a relationship ends, “My ex is a total jerk! Why do I keep picking jerks?”

In couples counseling, I hear, “It always ends up this way! She walls off and stops talking and I end up exploding and nothing gets resolved. It’s like we can’t even communicate.”

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How your Beliefs are Sabotaging your Picker

How your Beliefs are Sabotaging your Picker

Many many years ago, in fact, it feels like another lifetime ago, my “partner picker” was programmed to Narcissist. It seemed like the only men I was attracted to were self-absorbed, self-interested, and self-serving. I continued to find myself in relationships where my role was to, in some way, serve someone else’s selfish interests. I would find myself scratching my head saying, “How the hell did this happen again?”  It wasn’t until years later, I realized my beliefs were sabotaging my picker.

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Rose Colored Glasses? Nope, I Think Not!

Rose Colored Glasses? Nope, I Think Not!

Rose Colored Glasses? Nope, That’s Not Me!

Do you hear things like, “Why are you so negative?” or “Why can’t you see the bright side of things?”

First of all, as humans, we all have what is called a negativity bias.  This is our innate drive to tune into, and remember the negative experiences over positive ones.  We can thank our ancestors, the cavemen, for this.  It was much more important for them to remember which berries were deadly and how to avoid being eaten by a ferocious animal than it was to tune into the butterflies and rainbows. I could talk more about negativity bias, but I will save that for another article.

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